rest in peace, jordan

it's hard to see god's wisdom in taking such a young life. death is hard at any age, but death at 23 seems especially harsh to me.
i've really struggled these past couple of weeks in reconciling all that's happened. i feel robbed of such a unique presence in my life. he was just delightfully eccentric. so quirky, yet so lovable. he kept me "real" when shit happened in life - reminded me that it's really all good.

i thought about going to the funeral.
and then i got selfish.
i knew how broken i was just thinking about what happened. i couldn't possibly deal with travelling to san diego by myself to see a coffin.
i know.
i'm weak.
but instead of completely falling apart on the journey there and back, i think the wise thing to do really is to celebrate his life here in ithaca where we knew each other the best. i've been going through old photos, seeing videos, remembering stories. even in the short time we'd known each other, we'd amassed a surprising number of memories. i wonder if he remembers them now as i do.

i do find solace in the fact that he didn't suffer. i hope he didn't even know it was coming.
i can't even imagine him having to face his own mortality like that.
he always thought he was invincible. the regular superhero.
i like to think that his last moments were spent in beautiful nature, doing exactly what he liked to do.
can't blame the adventuresome spirit, can i. that's what made him so great.

i know he'd be so pissed if he knew that any of us are moping around. he's probably cursing up a storm up there somewhere, demanding someone play music and get the party started.
i like to remember him that way.
dancing.

the best thing i can do now is live the life i know he would have wanted me to live.
i'm so glad that the last conversation we shared was about the wedding. happy news at happy times.

but still... i can't bear to erase him off my speed dial. i really miss him.