rest in peace, jordan

it's hard to see god's wisdom in taking such a young life. death is hard at any age, but death at 23 seems especially harsh to me.
i've really struggled these past couple of weeks in reconciling all that's happened. i feel robbed of such a unique presence in my life. he was just delightfully eccentric. so quirky, yet so lovable. he kept me "real" when shit happened in life - reminded me that it's really all good.

i thought about going to the funeral.
and then i got selfish.
i knew how broken i was just thinking about what happened. i couldn't possibly deal with travelling to san diego by myself to see a coffin.
i know.
i'm weak.
but instead of completely falling apart on the journey there and back, i think the wise thing to do really is to celebrate his life here in ithaca where we knew each other the best. i've been going through old photos, seeing videos, remembering stories. even in the short time we'd known each other, we'd amassed a surprising number of memories. i wonder if he remembers them now as i do.

i do find solace in the fact that he didn't suffer. i hope he didn't even know it was coming.
i can't even imagine him having to face his own mortality like that.
he always thought he was invincible. the regular superhero.
i like to think that his last moments were spent in beautiful nature, doing exactly what he liked to do.
can't blame the adventuresome spirit, can i. that's what made him so great.

i know he'd be so pissed if he knew that any of us are moping around. he's probably cursing up a storm up there somewhere, demanding someone play music and get the party started.
i like to remember him that way.
dancing.

the best thing i can do now is live the life i know he would have wanted me to live.
i'm so glad that the last conversation we shared was about the wedding. happy news at happy times.

but still... i can't bear to erase him off my speed dial. i really miss him.

lingo exchange

so i've done my fair share of surfing on theknot.
the most amusing aspect of this experience is that the letters "STD" are no longer something you try to avoid from sketchy lovers, but "Save the Date"

umm.. you think someone would have thought twice about that substitution.
it's just odd seeing "I need STD ideas" on a posting.

it's really nothing short of a miracle

i passed the bar exam.

i'm not entirely sure that it's real... but paul assures me that it said "congratulations" and not "we're sorry."

i'm packing up my bar/bri books!

money makes the world go 'round...

before i start my rant, congrats to sandy and scott. they just got married on saturday. heard it was a beautiful affair.

now onto the post:
the one thing that wedding planning has taught me is that there is never enough money.
i mean... i'm always aware of money. i guess that comes with the territory of never having any. money, that is. but with wedding planning, you realize even a lot of money is sometimes not enough. it's ungodly what people charge as soon as they hear the first syllable "wed--" ... you don't even have to finish the word. my mother has a philosophy about weddings though. she thinks it is the one occasion where money shows. i tend to agree with her. you can glance around a wedding and quickly see where the money went (and how much of it). not that i'm saying a good wedding is an expensive one. i'm pretty confident that i can throw together a pretty good wedding without going overboard on the budget. well... not too overboard anyway.
i've been getting a lot of good advice from previous brides, internet forums, magazines, etc. but i have to say, putting together YOUR wedding is a very personal experience. no one can really figure out what's going on inside your head, and what's driving you to make those decisions. it's harder because i'm finding that what i thought i'd always wanted at my wedding isn't necessarily what i'm finding that i want NOW. i'm sidetracked easily. too many options. too many opportunities to "woo" and "aah". i am glad that the holidays are coming up. i'm hoping that with the panic of having to put together christmas presents, etc. i'll stop thinking about this wedding. it's hard though... especially when you know how much your parents make in a year and how much you know you'll need in cash to pull certain things off. its' harder because i have ZERO income coming in so my contribution will be very very low. poor parents. i mean... they save up money to raise you. they save up money to send you to school. they save up money to make sure you get to a doctor when you're sick. that you get piano lessons, cheerleading uniforms, acupuncture for that time you badly sprained your ankle... bail you out of a couple of parking tickets. buy those awful fundraiser boxes full of candy since no one else will buy them from you. and now, they have to pay to get rid of you. it's a harsh world.

some wedding facts i've found out in the last few weeks (pay attention future brides):
1. the wedding industry has the BEST service personnelle in the world. talk about timely phone calls. bands call me every monday to see if i've "thought about the band a little bit more." now if you're a do-it-yourself-er, then this is endlessly annoying.
2. putting on makeup when you're NOT a bride costs half as much as putting on the same makeup as a bride. but when you're only pretending to be a bride and testing your make up, it's still more than putting on makeup as a not-a-bride.
3. in pa, you have to get your marriage license no more than 60 days but no less than 4 days from your wedding. neither of us have to be pa residents.
4. apparently, not changing my name somehow puts my willingness to commit into question. if i change my name, i'm told that i'm abandoning my roots. so if i keep my name, i'm prone to leave my husband. and if i change it, i'll somehow turn white??? in short, people need to mind their fucking business.
5. there's a thing called "day-of-the-event" wedding coordinator! i had no idea. someone to come in on your wedding day and boss people around for you while you sit pretty for pictures. and only $500! (yeah right - with my ocd?)
6. you can register for a honeymoon. there's an actual site for it.

more fun wedding facts to be continued...

band is booked!

disclaimer: i would normally rant about the election here, but i've decided to save it until i have some time to cool off and figure out what's going on. i had a good day, so i'm going to write about good things.

my first vendor is booked!
we found a band! i'm really excited. i was a little stressed for a while because 2 saturdays in june of 2006 were already booked as of this morning, so when we decided to contract with them by the end of the workday i felt a ton of weight lifting off my shoulders.

it was such a productive day. we started getting quotes for tents for the outside to get ballpark figures, discussed preliminary ideas about honeymoon, rediscussed budget projections. mom and dad keller are being incredibly generous with us and we want to make sure we're not taking advantage of that generosity. i want this wedding to be great, but i'm not sure how i'd stomach such a huge sum of money. the good thing is, paul and i are pretty practical when it comes to certain things which have given us the luxury of being able to have that band at the wedding. we're taking a lot of good budget cutting ideas, like doing our own flowers, making the favors ourselves, and hiring friends for some of the tasks, etc. i'm really glad we'd decided to take some time to plan the wedding. the luxury of time is saving us a bundle without sacrificing too much.

with the next couple of months paul and i've decided to work on the registry and figure out what kind of a honeymoon we may want (tropical? asia? europe? napa?). i know nothing about china and even less about crystal. do i need crystal? besides, i'm so picky i think it'll take some time for me to decide whether or not i really want certain patterns sitting in my cupboard for the next 30 years. we also have to narrow down some kind of a guest list. it's ballooning like crazy with so much family on both sides, so we have to figure out whether or not all our friends can bring a date (we're working on it).

also -- paul and i were in lansdale today so he could vote, so i got to spend some time with mom keller and my girlfriend serena. we made a game plan to go visit suky rosan (it's a dress shop outside of philly) sometime in the spring to scope out dresses i can't afford. we figured we can see all the really fancy dresses and try to find knockoffs elsewhere. or maybe we'll catch a break and find a good deal. who knows. anyway, we chatted about the wedding, about life, about goals and dreams... it was just really pleasant being around such a good girlfriend. i missed her. i'm so glad we're seeing each other more frequently now that i have a connection with philly.

okay. now with this hurdle over, i have to start concentrating on the holidays. gotta figure out gifts and whatnot. i also have to figure out a way to get rid of all the leftover candy from halloween. we only got a couple of trick or treaters at our complex, so i have a mountain of chocolate. (very bad!).

Halloween

Yay, Halloween!

foggy haze

i feel like i've walked through a pool of gooey marshmellow for the past week. everything's been a daze. with the congestion and the aches, compounded by nyquil, dayquil, whateverquils i've been consuming, i'm not sure how or where the days have gone. the apartment's an absolute mess, of course. with paul and me both sick for a solid week now, nothing's been put back. mess everywhere. i'm sure it isn't exactly helping with the clarity issue.

but the halloween costumes are done.
i just hope we're well enough to wear it tomorrow night. i've been desperate to shake this cold. i thought it's been getting better every day. i'm hoping it'll be mostly gone by tomorrow.

i also did something i've never done in my entire life.
i spit.
in public.
like guys do.
you know... hock up something really gross and spit it out on the ground?
i did it.
i'd never done it before. i always thought it was disgusting. but we were walking back from lunch to the car the other day and i had this nasty stuff come up in my mouth after a cough, and i had to spit it out.
so i did.
(sorry for the grossness)

i know. i was surprised myself. i couldn't believe i'd done it.

yeah... i probably shouldn't have shared that.
okay. i'll stop writing now.

calling the decongestant gods...

so i thought the best way of dealing with a lingering cold is to attend a party last night down the street. of course, sangria and beer are wonderful remedies.

yeah, yeah. i'm totally paying for it today.

i'm dying of congestion, headaches, fatigue... even the sudafed isn't helping. i'm ready for someone to shoot me. pump me full of nyquil and let's call it a day.

of course, it doesn't help that paul is also nursing a hangover. with both of us useless, the apartment's been a fun place to be today. both of us sat on the couch, nursing some decaf tea, wrapped up in a blanket... wishing for the day to end so we'll feel better in the morning.

we finally did manage to get our asses into the car to go have a bowl of pho. ohmygod, for about 20 minutes all the symptoms disappeared and i was in pho heaven. i want that to last forever. just me... a clear head... and some pho.

of all things to be stressed about...

so i was told to put together a christmas wish list. apparently, this is a keller tradition. you put down the stuff you want to get on a list, and hopefully on christmas day you see some of the things you've put down.
okay... i know this isn't a big deal to most people, but i haven't put together a christmas list since i was like... i don't know... 5?
so what do you put on a christmas list at 25?

dear santa, please bring me a pony. with a flowy pink tail...

the thing is, the things i WANT are totally extravagant things that just need to wait until i get my hands on a big wad of dough.
like... an ipod. or a multi-task printer. a strand of pearls. health insurance. a romona keveza wedding dress. a lakeside villa. a big fat retirement plan at 35.

so how do i seem like i'm not a greedy bastard, yet fulfill a wish list?
so far i have a ceramic kitchen slicer (it's like a mandolin, but simpler), a couple of cd's, some makeup, socks, and a day planner from target (i love them. it's the budget-conscious target version of a franklin covey).
meanwhile, paul has on his list a new turntable, a $80 dvd set, playstation games, etc.
but he's their son. he can ask for expensive things. i have that whole daughter-in-law guilt thing in my way.

ugh... christmas is stressful. it's such a non-event in my family, so all of sudden having to care is difficult. my parents usually cut me a check for christmas to pay for bills in january. i like that arrangement. "bail me out of my financial troubles for a month for christmas, mom and dad."

all i want for christmas, really, is a job.
i don't think i can put that on my christmas list.

an uphill battle...

well... it's been a long weekend with an extremely unreliable internet connection. i've tried unsuccessfully to post the whole weekend, but the service has now just decided to cooperate. thank god. i was dying without being connected. i mean, i guess i should be ashamed that i'm so dependent upon technology. i'm practically tied to my phone. i go nuts without cable. but really... with the hours i usually keep, what else can i count on?

anyway... crisis averted. the connection's back. i have napster back. i have my blog back. no more worries.

on a side note.
my new musical obsession is "take me out" by franz ferdinand. totally hooked on that song. has anyone else noticed that the guitarist in that band is totally hot? like... kyle mclachlan in twin peaks hot?

catching up with friends...

ever since news of the engagement, i've had more opportunities to catch up with old friends than ever before. i guess with such big news floating around, people are making more of an effort to contact each other.

yesterday, i chatted with a dear college friend of mine - dave. dave was the first person i met at cornell. we've been friends ever since welcoming day at an alumni function before our first year. after graduation, dave went into the army and since then our contacts have been sporadic. well, dave heard through the grapevine that i'd gotten engaged and he gave me a call! i was so delighted to hear from him (and learn that he wasn't deployed to iraq). i'm sure all the rest of the crew would be glad to hear about him as well. (yes, he's a bulkier, older, wiser, stronger, and more responsible dave).

then today, i chatted with my friend jeremy online. jeremy and i used to live in the same residence hall our sophomore year of college. found out that he's now a proud homeowner down in texas. it's so weird for me to hear that all my friends are so grown up, doing grown up things like buying a house. anyway, i've posted a picture of his garden which he is very proud of.

paul and i've gotten together with is friends in ithaca recently, too. everyone in his program are so intense about their work these days, it's hard to see them. but with the news of the engagement, they came out to share some beer and corn nuggets with us. silly bunch (as the picture proves). but we love them.

also chatted with betty about the wedding. she's always a good sounding board for ideas. my fashion guru.
talked to my cousin sandy about her upcoming wedding. she's going to mexico for her honeymoon. i'm totally jealous (especially since by the time she's sunbathing in mexico, i'll be knee deep in snow probably. damn ithaca weather).
spoke to my matron of honor, felicia over the phone. she caught me up on news of the kids, my cousin jeff (her husband), family, and ideas about her 30th birthday present. we're conspiring to get jeff to buy her a plane ticket out east so she and i can celebrate her birthday properly. no kids. no husband. just us girls and some strong martinis.

and finally saw aya online. it's getting harder and harder to find her online these days with her hectic schedule but i'm always so glad to see her when i do. she forwarded me a picture of a painting that dre did, so i'm posting that now. the white shirt looks very familiar - are you sure it's not mine??? anyway, she's thinking of visiting the states next summer (finally) and i'm totally excited. i wonder if we'll just slip right back into our old routine, or whether we'll go through an awkward "what do we do now" phase. i'm guessing the former. i can't imagine that we'd have trouble easing back into our friendship as it was before.
looking forward to even the couple of days when i'll have my dear friend back with me.

Friends at the Chariot... silly scientists... 

A painting of my friend Aya, done by her friend, Dre. 

My friend Jeremy's new garden in his new home in TX. 

an october wedding

went to a wedding in philly this past weekend. one of paul's family friends just got married. it was absolutely beautiful. you could see where the money was well spent. her gown was gorgeous. the food was great. the band was fantastic. all of us had a great time.
before the wedding, paul's mom (who from now on will be referred to as mom keller, and my own mom will be just plain "mom") made appointments at the hair dresser to get all the girls' hair done. we went in for an 8:30 am appointment. the hairdresser put my hair up in two sets of hot curlers (apparently, i have a lot of hair) and went to work. and voila. i put up pictures of the finished product.
my mom was so worried that i'd look "round" with my hair pulled up, but i think the result wasn't all that bad. i'll have to send her pictures to relieve her fears. mom keller loved it. i loved it. all the girls loved it. hey. i got to be glamourous for a day.


Before the wedding, in the neighbor's yard.

Look at what the hairdresser did with the back of my hair!!!

anyway... after the wedding, we went back to the bride's family house down the street from paul's. had a couple more drinks... went out onto the deck, smoked cigars and traded fun stories. we also asked the bride's father (a local judge) to marry us when we get married in a couple of years. he seemed genuinely touched. trekked back home after 2:30 in the morning. considering i'd gotten up at 6:30 am the morning before, i was so dead tired. but it took us 30 minutes to get all the pins out of my hair so i can go to bed. yeah... the hairdresser warned me that it'd be hard to get the hair out. =)

we spent the next day relaxing. mom keller and i went out shopping to an outdoor shopping square. it was pleasant, walking around and looking at clothes with her. she saw a cute purse at banana republic and bought it for me, along with a brown blazer on crazy clearance (picked it up for $27 - that's more than 85% off the original price!!!). i felt guilty, but paul assured me that it made her just as happy as it made me. having a second mom totally rocks.

we drove back home monday morning. checked out the local bookfair monday night. we picked up a half dozen books and a crate full of classical vinyls for less than $13. paul and i spent hours listening to them last night. i'm very pleased to start building a classical vinyl collection. it just sounds better on vinyl than it does on cd.

i'm a little sad that the weekend is over. it was just so pleasant to be surrounded by people for a couple of days. now that i'm back in ithaca, i'm alone for most of the day and i'm not sure that i like the alone factor.
looking forward to the holidays when we'll be with family again.

The bride's and the bridesmaids' bouquets.

The girl who initially caught the bouquet passed it off like it was hot potatoes, and ultimately the flower girl caught it.

The Keller family. 

according to a test that betty sent me...

so according to this test that my friend betty sent me, i'm a hybrid between "progressive girl" and "gourmet girl."
now what does that mean exactly anyway?

i attribute the definition to the fact that the inner martha stewart in me clashes with the 4 years of cornell influencing my life.
for example?

i used to compost every day in college for the sheer virtue that the house i lived in already had a working compost heap.
i take my recyclables back to the stores to get my container deposits back, because i can't stand the fact that i have to pay 5cents extra on every freakin 2L bottle i buy.
i don't like gas guzzling monstrocities driving on the roads, taking up 3 lanes at a time... but i'm not opposed to the idea of a small, compact suv that doesn't gas guzzle or take up 3 lanes at a time. i'm hoping one of those hybrids will be affordable soon.
i make crisp corners when i make the bed. i don't like unevenly placed sheets.
i desperately want a powder blue kitchenaid, a cuisineart, a set of shun knives, and a sorbet maker.
i already own and use a bread machine.
i picked my own apples this fall.
i'm now growing my own basil.
we paint our own furniture to match the rest of the decor.
we're custom constructing shelving units for the apartment.
i know the counter guys at the wine store around the corner, and we actually talk about wine while my wine chills in their express chiller.
i like sushi, but not because it became trendy in the last 5 years but because i really like it (and have liked it ever since i was a little kid). uni (sea urchin) is my fave - but it's so expensive!
we distinguish between brands of grand pianos we enjoy listening to... then we distinguish what size of the particular brand of piano we enjoy listening to... then we distinguish what year of that size of that particular brand of piano we enjoy listening to...

i know... some of it is just plain snooty. but what can i do? i like what i like.
and that's my philosophy. i like what i like. i'm not going to compromise that.
it's not like i ONLY like expensive things. i am a total believer in bargain shopping. i own clothing from target. i don't own anything by prada. i don't buy anything retail unless i'm SURE i need it right away. i shop at t.j. maxx. i go to costco to buy bulk foods cheap. i'll buy store brands instead of kraft at the grocery store. and i'll certainly walk into payless shoes and have no qualms about buying shoes there. the wedding registry at target seems equally appealing as the wedding registry at william sonoma.

i don't think liking quality necessarily means i'm snooty. does it?
and is it my fault that steinway pianos messed up for a couple of decades and produced some pretty crappy pianos?

fine fine. i'm snooty.
but it's okay. i have no money to back it up. no threat here. all fantasy in my head.

things you know that you know... but surprise you anyway

i know that this country is one of diverging ideas.
i also know that i'm in an isolated area, where liberal minds get together and bush-bash all we want without much interruption.

so when i see instances of the opposite, i know in one part of my mind that this is how half of america thinks... yet i'm surprised anyhow.

i guess it intrigues me to see how people come to their conclusions.
their rationales... their hopes or fears... their homelife that gives them certain motivating factors... geography... education... etc. etc.

it's kind of a frustrating process at the same time.
things that seem so painfully obvious to me are completely lost on them while things they see as completely logical baffle me.

but i'm glad for these moments of reality checks. it makes me more vigilant.
being in ithaca sometimes gets me so lazy. i forget that there is a LOT of work to be done, especially if i want change in this world. it motivates me to be vocal and articulate about what i believe and why i believe in it.

the problem is, though, that few people are interested in a real dialogue. everyone seems to believe what they believe and refuse to be swayed by anything that may come across them. this election has been a test of my patience. i just wish people would talk, instead of being obstinate.
i mean... both sides have to be right about SOME things, as each must also be wrong about somethings, right? what's right for one person can't possibly be right for everyone... so how can anybody just simply assert "he's right. this is the way"??? come on... are we so overcome by catch phrases, propaganda, campaign slogans, and theme songs that we can't sit down and think for ourselves? with different information at hand? from multiple parties, not just your own?

it goes both ways too. as much as i hate the fact that some conservatives ONLY watch fox news and claim that it's the best fair news source in the world, i'm equally annoyed by liberals who solely rely on mother jones for their political insight.

this is a country of CHOICES... but with those choices, we have a responsibility to filter out the bullshit and figure out what resonates with us. i'm sick of party loyalism. i'm sick of those damned tv ads. and i'm REALLY sick of those campaign managers who spin EVERYTHING until what was actually said is completely forgotten.

in some way, i wish november would hurry along so we can get this debate out of the way.

my face looks like a blown up mine field...

i have no idea if i'm having an allergic reaction... or i had bugs attack me in the middle of the night... or that i'm having a huge break-out, but my face looks awful! i have a huge welt on my forehead, and another one on my left cheek.

i'm pretty sure the welts look like bug bites, because they certainly don't look like zits and they're too big to be hives.

or, at least i think so.

so instead of being worried that i may be having a reaction to something i ate, i'm more worried that they won't go away before i have to go to rachel's wedding this weekend.
i know. it's vain. but we've already established that i am.

vain, that is.

i'm desperately searching for hydrocortisone so i won't scratch.
why did it have to be my face, anyway?

i'm an ungracious twit

so paul and i went to wegman's yesterday to do our weekly grocery shopping. once in a while, wegman's has a chef open up a station to try out different recipes. paul was REALLY excited about the recipe of the week, so he eagerly piled up the cart with the necessary ingredients and announced that he was cooking tomorrow (which was today).

on the menu:
sauerbraten.

now, i have no idea what sauerbraten is. i just assumed by the way the dish sounded, it was sour... and it had a meat. (turned out i was right).
it involved this lengthy process of marinating, making gravy, braising for a couple of hours, etc. etc.

he literally cooked in the kitchen for two hours to produce this masterpiece. even set the table with the placemats, silverware, candles in place.

this is where i feel like a complete bitch.
i don't think i was meant to be german.
not my dish at all.
(i'd like to qualify that i'm NOT a picky eater. on the contrary, i always thought i was pretty adventurous - willing to try anything)

i mean, i appreciated the different aspects of the dish.
i liked the meat.
i liked the noodles.
and i could understand the concept of the gravy.
but all together?
not so great.

i tried to hide it. i really did. but paul gave me such a huge plate of food, it didn't take him long to realize that i wasn't into it as he was. maybe it was the giner snaps in the sauce? maybe when i thought sweet and sour, i was thinking of take-out chinese? who knows.

i don't think he's upset... but i feel sooooooooooo horrible.
this is why i should reinstate the "this is my kitchen" policy.
no issues. my kitchen. my food.

the good news is, he loves it. he'll have left overs for days and days and days.
good. i don't have to think about packing him lunch.

okay. let the verbal stoning begin.

ahh.... land!

the one thing that i've noticed now that i'm living on the east coast is how much land there is around here. having lived in california for almost a decade, i guess i got used to the tiny little lots that people call "property" but seeing what people consider "property" around here, i'm surprised i didn't suffocate in california.

lots of land also yield lots of outdoor activities that hadn't been readily accessible to me in california. for example, this weekend paul and i went apple picking. we went to an orchard only 10 miles away from here... grabbed a sack... picked apples right from trees... ate as much as we can fill in our bellies... and picked a bagful to bring home for only $6!
apple picking in california usually meant driving for an hour or two.

on friday night, paul and i went up to the observatory for viewing. the astronomy people had set up the large telescope and high powered binoculars, showing star systems and the moon. they were really excited to tell us all about binary stars and such. i was very impressed with their enthusiasm. one of the guys promised to show me the constellations with his neat green laser pointer on the next clear night.
the viewing was especially special for us because we found a hobby that we can both participate in together. with all of my friends gone from ithaca now, i'm pretty eager to find activities that both paul and i enjoy. it's good to build a growing list of common-things-to-do.

anyway... going back to the land thing...
a viewing like the one we had on friday night would have been IMPOSSIBLE in l.a. due to all the light pollution. the astronomy people were complaining about the light pollution from campus, but i was so excited to see the stars. period! we even got to see the planet uranus on the telescope. i was so used to seeing the purplish skies of l.a. (from all the pollution and the light), when i saw a black sky for the first time in ithaca, i was completely blown away.

okay... now i'm just rambling.
i love land.
i love that there's grass between houses.
i love that there's enough grass between houses for me to get married on.

ahh... so it comes full circle. i love land because i'm selfish. =)

so imagine frankenstein's face...

i was reading reuters.com today scanning the latest picture gallery.
today, it had candid pictures of john kerry playing touch football with his family in boston.

now, i'm a kerry supporter -- that's no surprise. but uh... john, what were you thinking?
some of these pictures really look like gene wilder handed john kerry a football a la young frankenstein. yeah. picture it. the thick neck... the outstretched arms... the awkward stance...
do you see it?
that's it.

and another thing john -
it's usually a good idea to keep your eyes open when you're catching a football.

seriously. check it out. it's a cross between rambo and frankenstein... he's got that "i-have-the-sylvester-stallone-my-eyes-are-half-shut" look down cold.
all of that in a white polo and a pair of what seems to be neat dockers.

i have to say, while i'm a little horrified at the carnage, i am partly impressed.
touch football with the family, and not a single grass stain!

john. it's time to fire the photographer. tell him stallone was so 1985.

free time, at last!

it's been a long time since we've had a weekend off. no parents expected in, no family obligations, no weddings to attend, no friends to host... paul and i are really looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend to ourselves. i was afraid that we wouldn't be able to enjoy any weekends in september, but luckily we're able to squeeze in one before the weather turns. september is ideal for ithaca. the temperature is moderate, the sun usually shines, the wind gives us a nice breeze, and the leaves start changing colors to paint such a beautiful backdrop. i've taken some spectacular pictures of ithaca in september before, and i'm hoping this year will yield the same.
with the whole weekend free, paul and i are almost at a loss for ideas. what do you do when you actually have time on your hands? normally we'd watch movies and make smores, but with the weather so perfect outside it seems a shame to waste it indoors. maybe we'll go pick apples at the orchard. or go see the stars at the observatory. hit the farmer's market to go see the weird dude with the rickshaw gives free rides to kids (you'd have to see it).

unrelated things?
i had my first paranoia/worry dream about the wedding last night.
it's so bad - i still have over 600 days until the event.
but luckily, paul and i have taken care of a couple of crucial things this week that will hopefully ease my mind. we've insured the ring and the apartment, finally (and now i won't have to be worried about every sink that i see) ... we made plans to sit down and make a budget with his parents... we've taken dresses/suits to the drycleaners so we have something to wear for a wedding coming up in two weeks...
it's so weird how little tasks such as these relax me. paul says it's because i'm a constant list maker and it makes me feel good to have things checked off.
if i'm a constant listmaker, then i'm also constantly adding things TO the list... so why would checking things off here and there necessarily make me feel good? the number of "stuff to do" remains the same.
i don't know.
it's a mystery to me.

and now that the euphoria is starting to get under control...

okay... so i'm finally coming down from that crazy high.
still staring at the ring all the time, but hey. i'm entitled.

some of my girlfriends warned me that with the planning, the craziness with the mother would soon follow.
well, it did... and we only have a little over 600 days until the wedding. what shall we do? (insert sarcasm here)

i told paul yesterday that i couldn't deal with my crazy mother for two days, let alone two years. i'm seriously considering eloping but i'm told that in order for that to happen, hell would have to freeze over, thaw out, and freeze over again.

It's happened at last!

Well... after the agonizing, the guessing, the moping, etc... it's happened.
And I was completely caught off guard.
I wish I could have shared the moment with you all in person (my friends and family) but I guess the World Wide Web will just have to do for now, yes? A lot of people have asked about the ring, so instead of repeating the same thing over and over again, I've posted a picture.
It's a gorgeous ring. Something I totally didn't expect, considering I told Paul that I didn't want one.
If you want specifics (color, clarity, cut, etc.) give me a call, especially if you're shopping for a ring yourself. Paul's done a ton of research, apparently, and has now become an engagement ring expert.
It's a one carat round brilliant cut diamond in the classic tiffany setting on a platinum mounting.
Mom Keller, you're right. It's exquisite. Thank you for helping Paul pick it out.


It's beautiful!

I've also included pictures from the bridge where Paul proposed.
So the story goes:
Paul's parents had planned to come up for the weekend to wine tour with us in Ithaca. For a week, we'd been trying to plan events for this weekend and I cleverly suggested (so I thought) that we take them on a campus tour including a view from the famous Cornell suspension bridge. Paul had mentioned then that he had wanted to "check out" the bridge before he shows it to his parents because his dad was afraid of heights; he wanted to make sure that the bridge was sturdy enough so it wouldn't freak out his dad (to Paul's credit, his father really is afraid of heights).
Friday rolled around, and rain came. We still hadn't "checked out the bridge" by the time Paul's parents came into Ithaca. Paul was worried that we still hadn't seen the bridge, and we were scheduled to go on the campus tour the next day (Saturday). So we hopped into the car, trekked down the path to the suspension bridge in the rain to ease his fears.
I walked a few feet ahead of him so we can hurry out of the rain when Paul called me back to the middle of the bridge. I turned around (slightly annoyed) to find him standing there with ring box in his hand, when he asked if I would marry him. Of course, I freaked out in the usual manner before saying yes. (and I did say yes).
I had NO idea this was coming. When he didn't propose before our trip to California this August I figured that the proposal would not be happening for a long time. You can imagine my surprise when I saw the ring.
The bridge was a PERFECT choice, since so much Cornell folklore is tied around it. According to the legend, if a man asks a woman for a kiss on the suspension bridge, you HAVE to accept because a refusal would result in the bridge's collapse. I thought it was romantic. A proposal on a romantic bridge in the rain. It was perfect, and it was completely unexpected.
I wanted to share the moment with everybody, but since I couldn't, I'm doing the next best thing and posting pictures.

View from the suspension bridge 

Another view from the suspension bridge

The tentative wedding date is June 24, 2006.
We wanted enough time to plan the event since Paul's mom and I plan to do a lot of the work ourselves.
I also plan to set up a wedding site with pertinent information as the event gets closer.
I'm waiting for the ring appraiser to send me his picture of the ring, which really does more justice than my snapshot. I'll post that in lieu of this picture when it gets here.

I'll keep updating with wedding news!!!!!!!

disturbing realizations

today i realized that there might be distinct possibilities that i'm chemically imbalanced.
and then i looked at the calendar and further realized that i'm heavily pms'ing.

and now the paranoia in me is asking, what if the chemical imbalance only occurs when i'm pms'ing?

and then the rational me is now telling myself, of course you're chemically imbalanced, idiot. you're hormones are whacked.

christ, i need to stop drinking soda late night.

no... i need to start sleeping.

it's a boy!

my cousin had her baby boy today.
i'm super excited.
i'm old enough to appreciate a new baby around, but far enough away geographically to avoid witnessing the woes of parenthood.

yay for other people's babies.

bought a gift. ready to be sent.
it's a treasury of children's classics, like goodnight moon and harold and the purple crayon.
i figured her being fresh off the boat (yes... it's a term i use. i'm not trying to be derogatory) she'd appreciate some input on what american children read. or at least, paul says these are the books he read and was read to as a child.

(and yes, i also realize that newborns don't read no matter how smart they are).

it'll be a good chance for her and her baby to bond everyday. story time.

i love kids.
can't wait for the pictures!

keeping busy

i've been really uneasy with this whole unemployment thing.
the days are crushing me into boredom. granted, i shouldn't be. i SHOULD have enough to keep me busy. my job search should be a full time deal right now... but it isn't. blame it on my laziness, blame it on the market. but seriously, there are only so many hours you can stare at a computer screen in a given day.

and the apartment...
how many times can you rearrange pictures on a shelf?
frankly, i'm a little sick of all the little details that go into home improvement.
decorating without any money is a sad process. i'm trying to keep the place warm and inviting, without breaking budgets.
i know paul sometimes doesn't understand. he doesn't really have a need for a place mat. or candles. or matching curtains. but i feel like it's my tenuous grasp at sanity. maybe if i keep the livingroom in one color scheme, my mind won't break down. it's my attempt at a tiny piece of order, when chaos seems to prevail everywhere else.

i've been noticing myself spiral down into an unfriendly place... and i've realized that a serious attitude adjustment is necessary.
with paul away for the weekend, i really felt the solitude. not in a good way... more like, i'm stuck in "the hole" kind of solitude.

i'm trying to combat it.
i try to fill my time and do things that make me happy.

i've taken up a lot of crafty activities. i started making bead bracelets. i'm starting to experiment with decoupage. i'm thinking about scrapbooking.

i cook a lot.

i make trips to the wine store to pick up our favorite german wine, and chat with the wine guy about the newest trends while the wine sits in their fancy chiller (italy loves wine in packs. reduces bottling fees - still good wine!).

i obsessively check the cornell calendar for free events.

i give friends advice on suit shopping. rave about the shu umera eye lash curler.

i read a lot of chick novels.

i look around for gift ideas for my VERY pregnant cousin, who is due any second now.

i surf the internet for contests (i've now entered for a free bridal gown - always plan ahead, a $50,000 gift spree at ann taylor, and tried to name the h&m dog. i didn't win the hermes bag or the manolos from bluefly). don't worry. i don't really expect to win. =) i haven't lost it entirely.

i thought i'd relish time off.
i mean, i've been in school for so long i thought i'd be bursting with joy when schooling was done.
instead, i'm clouded in disappointment.

i hope the next couple of weeks will be better.
i'm amping up my job search triple fold from now on.
i need to restrategize.
figure out what i'm willing to sacrifice. what i'm unwilling to give up.

luckily, paul has been incredibly supportive. he, along with my parents and his parents, have been trying to get me to see that i'm in no rush to find a job. i don't want to make a hasty career move when my future is on the line and they remind me of that.

also, paul's parents are coming up for a visit next weekend.
wine tours and fine dining are in order.
i think i'd enjoy that very much.
good food, good company, and hopefully good weather.

paul's mom and i always have such a good time together.
when paul went away to nyc this weekend, i called her up and chatted for an hour to combat the loneliness (after i chatted with my mom for an hour).

i should keep these happy things in mind with me at all times.

the time to get in touch with my favorite people.
the feel of my newly mod podge'd journal cover.
the smell of food in the oven.
the sound of wine being uncorked.
the view of the gorgeous falls during my nature hike.

i'm going to try to stay calm.
stay positive.
i'm going to try to enjoy this time i have to myself.
i'm going to try.

i'm such a wimp

paul's gone for the weekend.
it's been less than 12 hours since he left, and i'm going nuts.

i know.

i'm sad.

Labor Day Weekend

We had our first guests for Labor Day weekend. Paul's college buddies and their respective significant others stormed into Ithaca for a weekend of the lake, wine trails, the falls, and lots of food and booze.

One of his friends has an uncle who lives right on one of the wine trails, which turned out to be a big plus. We lounged by the lake with beers in our hands, saw fireworks, made smores, and even took a boat ride.

I posted pictures of the falls, which was breathtaking. I was so glad that the big waterfall was still going (thanks to a very wet summer) so the walk up to the trail to the bottom of the fall was totally worthwhile.
The wine tasting was also satisfactory. One of the vineyards around here managed to produce a decent red this year! We plan to go back very soon when Paul's parents come up for a visit in two weeks. Anyway... the pictures:



At the bottom of the Taughannock Falls.

One of the views on the path to Taughannock Falls 

View of Seneca Lake, on the Seneca Lake Wine Trail 

cable...

been waiting for the cable dude to show up all day.
we've been in this apartment since aug. 14 and we still don't have cable.

he's still not here.

a party isn't a party without...

ok... i realize this is a horrible picture... but i needed to share this brilliant device with everyone.
it's a shot ski!!! (thanks bob, and his 30th birthday party crew).

someone took a ski, put velcro on it... and then took 5 shot glasses, put velcro on the bottom of those, and voila!
a ski full of shots that everyone can do together!

it ensures that EVERY shot taker takes his or her shot. what a great invention. it fosters social, community-based behavior. =)

i have to admit... it did take a little bit of figuring out (for example, when you have someone as short as me on the shot ski, there needs to be some pre-shot strategy).



it's a bad picture... but it's a shot ski!!!!!! (i'm on the end)

and for those of you didn't see me graduate... here are our berry blue robes (and the girl behind me in line is kindly showing off our hood - which we didn't get to keep *pout*)... 

Rumpole. So spoiled, yet so loveable. He likes my side of the bed. 

Paul with the Kim clan, Bucknell University (Lewisburg, PA) 

Pictures!

I figured it was time to start posting pictures again, now that I've managed to download some onto the computer.



A recently downloaded "us" pic: At Belhurst Castle (Geneva, NY) for a friend's wedding.

what do you do when your life's a bore...

i'm very unmotivated to post these days.
i feel like my life is very stagnant right now! no big news to post.

i guess i can write about the past week's little things (which i will do in list format for my - and the reader's - convenience):

1.i've reoriented my desk to face the window. much better.

2.my computer is finally up and running - hooked up to the internet, and the stereo. the plus = paul and i can sit in the same room and not fight about who gets to use the computer. minus = my computer is old, and therefore does not run windows xp. why is that a problem? EVERY freakin program out there uses windows xp (including napster which is just no good).

3.i've rediscovered saint-saens this week, introduced paul to it.

4.lack of karaoke makes me feel like less of a diva than i am used to. (it's your fault, aya. you were the first one to get me hooked on the "i'm fabulous" feeling). i've tried to remedy this by buying a pair of patent fuscia slides. for $11. i have to say, it helped.

5.i've decided i REALLY hate moths. i can't stand them because even if you can't see them, you can hear them flutter around... and i'm super sensitive to that sound. i hear it above the (REALLY LOUD) whirring of the fan. how? i don't know. maybe it's a pitch thing. that - and it really bothers me that moths are somehow getting into our apartment. i've caught one and have seen at least another two in the study. for this reason alone, i think i'd rather have winter.

6.montreal seasoning is great with everything.

7.babies like fire. we learned this as we saw all the neighborhood toddlers playing outside rush toward our smoky grill. *note = next time, find apartment with own grill space*

8.paul and i've gone to vinyl again. we've been listening to a lot of classical on vinyl this week. realized we really need a better turntable to get the sound we want. the problem is, neither of us have $700 to blow. bummer.

9.signed up for netflix. yay.

10.missed the rupaul concert here at cornell this week. this doesn't bother me as much as the fact that i'll be missing the tmbg concert tomorrow. and it's free, too.

11.read a book yesterday. a real one. as in, fiction. non-school related. it was refreshing. (empress orchid, by anchee min)

i would write about how long i brush my teeth daily, or how many glasses of water i drink each day, or how many times i climb the stairs in any given afternoon... but i think i've bored enough people.

i notice a dangerous pattern in my blogs...

insomnia's hit.
again.
how many times have i written this in the lifetime of my blogging?

ugh.
it's been a solid week, and i've yet to go to bed before 5:30am.
i've seen the sun rise at least 3 times this week.

this is unnatural.

the upside to insomnia is that you find many exciting new things on the internet.

this week, i've found google groups which has now led me to reconfirm my belief that many people in this world are just really stupid. great recipes on their food group, though.
i've also found savageshakespeare and matched modern movies to their shakespearean counterparts in one of the quizzes.
found numerous baby name sites to help my cousin name her baby boy (she's due next month! -- no luck on names yet. on a side note, found out through these baby name sites that jamie oliver - the naked chef - named his kid daisy boo. umm... daisy boo oliver?).
i learned from diynet that baking soda on a towel will remove all sorts of marks on a wall when cleaning.
i've played every single player webgame on popcap and realized that while i am very good at matching up animals on noah's ark, i cannot make my train park itself at the station after picking up the caboose (if you play popcap games, you'd know what i'm talking about).
i'm VERY caught up with cnn.com, and have begun to read bbc again as well.

by the way, i'm EXTREMELY upset about the stolen painting in norway.
some audacious group of theives stole munch's 'the scream.'
they literally ripped it off the wall (it was bolted on with screws) and fled!
what if they damaged the painting!!!!
thoughtless insensitive greedy bastards.

'k.... time to stop writing.
i'm now just rambling, and it can't be healthy.

the quest for some plastic furniture

remember the days when you can walk into any grocery store and there it was...
a pile of white plastic patio furniture.
stacked up, 10-15 chairs high.
shining under those glorious white fluorescent lights.
calling out to you, "sara. take me home. put me on your patio. i promise i'll remain plastic forever."

ummm... what happened to all the f-in' plastic patio furniture???????

paul and i decided it would be nice to put some patio furniture on... yes, you got it... our patio.
we couldn't find any!
we figured, hey. it's end of the summer. they've got to be desperate to get rid of those things.
i guess we either missed the season completely (although it's still august... we have at least another month of good weather) or some invisible force broke into EVERY grocery/variety store and gobbled up my plastic furniture!

i want my patio furniture, damnit!
and none of that finished wood crap.

i want bright white, thin molded plastic that harks back to the seventies chairs.

the agony i must endure to furnish a patio...

and in response to a comment...

someone, in a comment, noted that it is disappointing to see intelligent educated women pick political wives as heroes...

in response to that, i don't think hillary or heinz kerry are merely "political wives" who rode in on their husbands' successes. both women are accomplished in their own right. as for hillary, she's equally educated as her husband, had a magnificent law career (a better one than her husband for a while, actually), before she chose to support her husband's political career full time.
as for heinz kerry, the woman is highly educated, she had a career with the u.n. before her first marriage, she speaks five languages, and she's proving herself now by managing a giant estate and foundation flawlessly without her husband's help.
i think it's important to note that i don't like these ladies merely for their positions as first lady (or possible first lady) but for the qualities i like in them. like their strength, their spitfire personalities, their obvious intellect, their courage to speak out despite public denunciation of such showing, etc.

i'd also like to note that my open praise for hillary and heinz kerry does not mean i do not appreciate other women figures in this country. i choose to openly praise these two women because they've been criticized for being smart and independent in their roles as a politician's wife. i think it's important for me to show that americans, especially young, educated VOTING ones, appreciate a smart outspoken first lady.

i happen to like diane feinstein. she's my senator from california.
i also like barbara boxer. so much, that i even volunteered my summer with her.
sure, i do like my political wives too.
i like lots of people. women and men.
political or not.

i realize my blog highlights only a few aforementioned people... so i'll do my best in trying to highlight other "heroes" in my life.

thank you for your comment.

and the verdict is...

i'm finally back from my trip from california and starting to get settled in a new apartment. the past 3 weeks have been so hectic, i barely noticed it racing by me. i know i have been lazy about updating (and i've been reminded)... so i'll try to catch up.

well... like i said before, i've put the bar (trial #1) behind me.
the whole experience was just... well, just horrible.
albany is a crappy city, the test center was freezing cold, i was struck with insomnia both nights, i forgot basic rules of law, and i'm sure i practically guessed my way around the 50 ny multiple choice. but hey, at least the hotel room was nice.

the MINUTE i was done with the mbe, i ran outside to meet paul who drove me out of that godforsaken city, back to ithaca. we had a nice greasy meal at denny's on the way back to try and wipe out any bad memories. frankly, i was pretty shell-shocked. i was neither happy nor upset about it, really. i'd already resigned myself to going back and taking it again in february. having a defeatist attitude really helped in that situation. it didn't really sting that i probably took the worst test of my life.

anyway, after arriving in ithaca we packed, spent the night, and drove out to philly the next day to see his parents.
philly was just what we needed after albany. paul's parents treated us to dinner and some birthday cake and we were left to housesit for a couple of days while they went away on vacation. we weren't due to leave for california until a few days later, so we thought we'd take advantage of a nice empty house with a pool. we spent the weekend swimming, eating, and seeing my good friend serena out in manayunk.

manayunk was fantastic. serena just moved into a condo out there, within walking distance of this great microbrewery. we heard a phenomenal cover band, munched on some good grub, shared stories from college with our respective significant others. i always enjoy my visits with her; it's like traveling back to the carefree days of college... except better, now that we can drink. we stayed out 'til late, which is unusual for us out in philly but all of us were having such a good time, we were sad to see the night end.

anyway, with the weekend behind us, on tuesday we headed out to california.
first of all, traveling with someone else is a MUCH better experience. i'm so used to flying alone across country, it was pleasant having paul travel with me. i should also say that i was treated much better having paul with me. i'm not sure if it's a racial thing... or people are intimidated because he's so tall... whatever. i didn't get the usual hassle that i get traveling. i did, however, have to take my shoes off. they wiped it down and put the paper in their little doo-dah machine to make sure i wasn't carrying explosives in my giant platform. umm... hello? do i look like i'd want to be walking on top of 4 inches of explosives?

travelling TO lax wasn't a big deal. getting a rental car, on the other hand, was like climbing the freakin' everest. you'd think that a confirmed reservation would make the process short and painless. we waited around in that stupid rental car office for 3 hours before we finally made it home. i was glad to have the car, nonetheless. being stuck in l.a. without a car is by far the worst fate you can face. you're totally immobile in that city without some kind of personal transportation.

i can't really say much else for the week, except that we ate.
a lot.
and we met family.
i finally got to meet paul's uncle, who is a complete carbon-copy of his father.
i find this highly amusing, since paul is very much like his father, also.
some kind of super gene that runs in that family, i swear.
i got to play his aunt's new piano - a beautiful sounding baldwin. i'm usually not very partial to baldwins, but the piano sounded magnificent. even my rusty playing sounded pretty darn good. i can't wait to get a real piano in my house.

mom and dad, of course, doted all over paul. they fed him probably every 3 hours and then they called every relative in korea and told them all about him.
since koreans have no notion of engagements and engagement rings, they are all wondering why we're waiting to get married. i tried to tell them that i haven't even gotten engaged yet, but it's a completely foreign concept to them. oh well. my mom said the universal response was, "marry her off before he changes his mind." marry ME off????? what do you mean by marry me off?

oh yeah... that's another thing.
i'm not engaged yet.
i thought maybe it'd happen before the l.a. trip, but it didn't.
no biggie. i'm not disappointed, really. paul practically told me that something didn't "work out" so it wouldn't happen before the trip to l.a. he keeps on saying, "i'm working on it." very enigmatic, that one.

the thing that does get me is that i was hoping i'd get to share the news with my parents in person, but it seems like whenever paul does propose i'm going to have to tell my parents over the phone.
i feel really guilty about this. i feel like i'm sharing all the big milestones in my life lately with paul and his family, but my family is totally left out. i know this isn't something done on purpose. i'd love to have my family around. but the reality of our locations, the geography, is making it increasingly difficult for me to involve my family in these big events. i shared my law school graduation with paul's parents. i shared my bar experience with paul's parents. i'm probably going to share my engagement with his parents, as well as the wedding planning, the bridal showers, etc. i made a promise to myself that i would shop for my wedding dress with my mother, regardless of where she is at the time, but seriously -- is that really going to happen? i don't know. these are the times when i wish for a very large sum of money to drop into my lap. i won't squander it, i promise. so why not? i have noble intentions.

anyway... back to the l.a. trip.
really, nothing exciting to report. i was hoping for some fantastic stories of relatives clashing and a drawn out fight somewhere in between, but everything went fairly well. nothing to complain about... nothing to report.
sorry.
i did have some great german wheat beer on the trip.

after we got back from l.a. we moved into a new apartment. a two bedroom in the same complex. it's one of those two-level deals where the bedrooms and the bathroom are upstairs and the living room/kitchen/dining area are downstairs. it's MUCH nicer than what we had before.
sure, it seems dilapidated from afar but once you walk in the doorway you can see the potential. (yeah, the outside isn't much to look at)
we've already bought some paint to freshen up the railings and some murphy's oil to shine up the stairs. we're on the lookout for some plants to liven up the place. i figure between paul's mother and me, we'll do a good job making the apartment liveable. cute, even.
also, paul received a surround sound speaker system for his birthday, so we now have a kick ass movie center. i'm looking forward to having people over for movie nights. hey, i'm looking forward to having people over, period, now that we have the space.

so the next week or so will be spent cleaning up the apartment.

then, i have to start looking for a job.
the job market in ithaca is pretty pathetic, especially when it comes to the legal market. i'm starting to seriously consider taking a non-legal job with cornell, even though i hate the thought of my j.d. being washed down the drain. it's a life decision at this point. what's more important to me... practicing law, or getting my personal life on track?

anyway... i'm extending an invite to my friends to come see me in ithaca (all two or three of you who read my blog... lol).
we'll eat some good food, share some laughs, and maybe even squeeze in a wine tour (provided that you come before the temperature gets insane). i know a place that makes the world's most amazing vegan chocolate cake (it's better than regular bad-for-you cake, i swear!).

birthdays and a homecoming

happy birthday to mom and paul.

paul and i are leaving for california tomorrow on our long-awaited "vacation." i put vacation in quotes because i've never had a completely relaxing homecoming since leaving for college 7 years ago.
this visit is especially important to me, since paul will be accompanying me.

going home was always a solo expedition. i've always been the lone traveler pulled for security checks, the one who's always asked to switch seats with some desperate mother who wants to sit next to her kid, that girl who needs a stranger's kindness to get her bags off the carrel, the pathetic looking one at curbside wondering when her ride is going to come...
you know the drill.

our trip next week is jam packed. we have something lined up for every day that we'll be there. i think we'll need another vacation after we're done with this one.

i'll try to post any newsworthy events in a timely fashion. =)
wish us luck.

and on a completely unrelated note

saw teresa heinz kerry speak on tv last night for the dnc.
i love her.
she's my new hillary.

i can't stop this feeling anymore...

that's what someone was singing as he walked into day 2 of the bar exam.

well, i can.
because it's over.

thank the lord.

well, it's a temporary reprieve anyway, until february =)
who's with me?

the bar exam is a masochist's best friend...

i really don't know how to feel about this thing...
 
on one hand, i'm SO glad it'll be all over soon.  i have a week to go.
on the other hand, i SO could use another month of studying.
 
i was struggling to remember the tests for insanity today.
i KNOW i need to study corporations.  i KNOW i need to study trusts.  i KNOW i need to study ny practice.  but crimlaw too????
i have no idea how to cram for 22 topics in the next week without going crazy.  especially when i have all 22 topics to cram for in this short period of time.
bar/bri... i know you bullshitted about "it's not a sprint, it's a marathon," but you need to come up with a good sprint strategy.  RIGHT NOW.
 
it's weird.  i usually get really stressed, then paranoid, then completely dejected, and eventually even out to a nice comfortable apathy.
well, apathy ain't comin'.  i looked all over.  it's not due until after the exam.
i think i'm going to have to walk into this thing revving on full-stress.  well... maybe a little paranoia... and major depression.
 
eeek!
 
i know everyone's sick of hearing about the bar exam.
but i can't work until i pass!!!!!!!!!
ARGGGGGG@!@!@!@!@!@!@!!!!!!!!
i SO do not want to be doing this again in february.
 
but i guess, if i have to.  i have to.
 
i told paul yesterday if i had a choice between winning the lottery and passing the bar exam, i'd take the lottery.
i don't think i'll mind being a slothful richie.
i'll volunteer.  i'll teach kids how to read.
and spend lots of money.
we just saw a special on kitchens and baths.
i love those free floating basins... mmm... interior decor.
 
okay... what's good stress food?
i've exhausted my wheat thins supply and i can't eat paul's cheese puffs without getting violently ill (did you know that cheese puffs use real cheese?  imagine that).
 
where's valium when you actually need one?
or ritalin.
 
i'm kidding!  (i'm not doping up, bar examiners.  i swear.  test me.)
 
speaking of doping up...
saw the south park episode where jimmy was using steroids before the special olympics.
today, i took a break and saw the episode with christopher reeves (if you haven't seen it, all i'll say is: christopher reeves, stem cell research, and gene hackman a la superman 3).
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a big karmic f*** you

holy god... what a couple of days...
the last 36 hours or so have been a descent straight into hell.
you know you have one of those days when you open your eyes and you KNOW it's just going to be... well, crappy?

it definitely was one of those days.

i won't get into all the gritty details.

i will say though, that the day ended with a bang when paul called me from practice to let me know that "i'm okay but..."
i thought my heart fell through...
luckily, it was only a discloated knee... but i NEVER want to get a phone call like that again.
anyway... paul dislocated his knee while doing his crazy sword stuff. had to call an ambulance and was sent straight to the hospital to reset it. i guess with shoulders, it's pretty safe to go ahead and set it on your own, but with knees they don't want you to do that in case your bones are out of alignment.

i went into a panic and drove up to meet him in the emergency room. he looked MISERABLE. he was in so much pain he felt nauseous.

now he's totally useless in a knee brace, hobbling around with crutches.
and now since he can't drive his car (he needs both legs... he drives a manual) and i can't drive his car (my new stickers for my car hasn't come in the mail yet... and the ithaca police told me i couldn't drive around with expired stickers even though i paid my registration fee), we're going to have to rent a car for the week. what a mess.

today, we called around for car quotes, making sure the car will be big enough for him to fit comfortably in. i never realized how much room he actually needs, especially now that he can't bend his leg.

ARG!

okay... breathe... breathe...

i'm hoping whatever negative karmic energy i was due to receive all came in one blow yesterday. i better freakin win the lottery next week to make up for this.

mmm...food!

i've been finding a lot of comfort in food lately... which is not so unusual considering the stress load i've been carrying lately.
i know i'm engaging in emotional eating, but i figured this month was not the month to tackle this problem. i'll save it for after the bar.
the upside to this is that i've been trying out a lot of new dishes.
today i experimented with a fruit sauce. threw in raspberries, peaches, plums,red wine and sugar in a pot and let it all cook down to a nice sauce. served it with angel food cake and some whipped topping. dear god. i love dessert.

yesterday, i made a mean pasta sauce and homemade meatballs.
last week, i made homemade ravioli out of wonton skins.

instead of taking the bar, i should just write a everyday cookbook.

a day of great anticipation...

read an excellent article on cnn about a new hiv drug in development by merck.
paul and i always get so excited to hear that merck is doing well - we're merck cheerleaders.
i don't quite understand the science, but as i understand it, the new drug will likely be an effective addition to the cocktail.
very exciting news.

on a MORE personal note...
we're getting our couch tomorrow - paul's dad is driving it up.
we had gotten rid of paul's old couch and chair over a month ago in anticipation of this one (it's paul's parents' old couch -- they're parting with it after 20+ years).
it'll be so nice to see the camping chairs in the living room go. paul and i were commenting on how incredible ghetto we were this past month.
maybe we'll finally watch movies at home again. i hadn't realized a couch was such an essential part of movie enjoyment.

we're thinking about establishing a netflix account. economically speaking, it's very logical. we spend almost $6 dollars each time we rent a dvd, and we're constantly worrying about due dates and late fees.
i'm horrible with due dates.
and late fees.
we're trying to decide if a $21/month commitment is something we'd like to take on right now.
i can't wait until i start earning money. debating about a $21 expense is not something i would like to continue as a lifestyle.

i have 9 actual classes left before i'm left to my own devices.
on one hand, i'm excited to be set free.
on the other, i'm hoping my inherent laziness will not get the best of me.
my confidence is totally shot - i'm not going to pass the bar.
but i walk in with the comfort of knowing that a) i can take it again, and b) i'm pretty sure paul will not leave me if i don't pass.

okay... it's the end of the day... on a friday. i need to go home.

i read the news!

so after scanning cnn.com after class today, i've noticed some newsworthy items to point out...

first:
bush declined to speak at the naacp convention... again.
kerry, on the other hand, will be there.
cnn pointed out that bush spoke as a candidate when he was running for office and has declined to speak in each year of his presidency since then. ummm.... bad political move, you think? you'd think that in an election year, he'd make sure to show.
maybe he's worried to sit in the same room with john kerry. who knows.
which brings me to a question...
in a fistfight, who do you think would win?
bush? or kerry?

i mean... bush runs every day and is obviously pretty fit, but kerry's totally the bomb diggity. he surfs. he snowboards. he's totally in shape.
although bush is shorter than kerry... that whole center of gravity thing may help him out. hmmm...
they should have a celebrity boxing match for political candidates.
i'd be down with that.
i know something for sure, though. edwards would pummel cheney in one round.

which brings me to the point that larry king is interviewing kerry and his wife tonight on cnn. i totally love teresa heinz kerry. i don't know why people have a problem with her. because she has money? because she speaks her mind? it's the hillary complex all over again. the country resents smart, capable women. hello? the woman is capable of running a huge estate and a giant fund. she does good work with the money she has... and who cares that her late husband gave it to her? wouldn't you give your money to your wife in a will too??? no one says eleanor roosevelt was a bitch for being a smart, capable first lady. so stop judging!!!

what else...
paul read somewhere that michael moore didn't like the fact that people were ignorant of what the patriot act actually said... so he attached loudspeakers on a car and read out the act to people in d.c. i thought that was cool. as much as he is controversial, he is totally raising awareness and starting conversations throughout the country. regardless of how you feel on the matter, i'm glad that people are at least talking. dialogue is great... as long it's really a dialogue. i hate it when two people just yell at each other obstinately. make a point. be intelligent about it. maybe if logic and reason were involved in the discussion, you can turn the other person around. if not, that's okay too. at least you've made your point and put it up for consideration.

wow... this is turning out to be a soapbox. i think i got fired up by an awful lecture today, and felt like venting in a different medium.
yay blogging.

as far as other less newsworthy "news"...
bachelor bob get married to a soap actress (greenlee on all my children). let's see how long this one lasts.

and lastly?
i love mapo tofu (or mabo tofu... depending on what chinese restaurant you frequent).
mmmm... yummy!

i'm getting my learn on!

okay... so it's not what i'm supposed to be studying... but betty's taught me how to post links on my page.

i know... i'm about 10 years behind.
but hey. i make my own bead bracelets and majored in english.
'nuff said.

if you'd like me to share your page, send me a comment along my way!

i could spend hours at office depot...

i can't get over these fancy ergonomic chairs. you know... the ones with the meshy looking backs that cost about a thousand dollars a pop?
the ilr library at cornell has one at every (EVERY) computer station.
they're fucking phenomenal.

i also visited the cornell bookstore. scouted the pen aisle and saw that they've now gotten rid of their loose pen arrangement. what's the point? i now can't try out every pen to find the perfect one. i hate that. i end up buying 10 pens just to realize they all suck. people don't appreciate a good pen these days. wonder why your hands hurt when you write too much? that's right. neglectful bastards.

i've decided to write out notes for the rest of the month in neon and/or pastel paper.
i figure it'll be a little less boring than staring at a white page.
i've started the wills notes on hot pink. it just seemed right. the brightest color for the most boring subjects.

yeah... i know. this is what my life's whittled down to.
i'm okay with that.

...

trying to decide what's appropriate wedding attire. the last wedding, i got away with wearing a strapless sundress. the next wedding, i'm afraid, will probably need something fancier. but how fancy can the wedding be, really? i'm going to have to dig up my old fall ball stuff and see if anything will suit. i'd hate to go dress shopping while unemployed. talk about frivolity. anyway, i have almost 3 months to either find a suitable existing dress, or start making money so i can buy a new dress. a new dress seems like a horrible motivation to jump into a job search, but hey. anything that'll help.

speaking of job searches...
i think the bulk of my efforts will have to wait until after the bar. i mean, everyone warned me how my life would be consumed by this all summer... but no kidding. i hardly have time to look up listings let alone write cover letters, etc.

i've finally decided to search other cities like nyc and philly. limiting myself to ithaca and syracuse might land me in a dead-end receptionist job. as much as i like brain numbing clerical work, i don't think i needed to go to school for 3 years racking up 6 figure debts to do that.

...

have i mentioned how comfortable these chairs are? holy crap.

07-01-04, and blogger now thinks i should look into kabbalah

haha, i still love those random ads...

before i write my entry for today, i wanted to share a brilliant site that my friend mikey forwarded to me today:
http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/md_youre_a_drunk.htm

moving on...
ithaca put on its annual fireworks show tonight. every year, we look forward to it -- watching the fireworks show above the hills of ithaca. the show is funded through a year-long drive -- made up entirely of private donations. apparently, the fund did not do so well this year. the show was only 15 minutes, as opposed to its usual 45. so we walked away in the end a little disappointed, but mostly saddened by the fact that the fund just wasn't able to collect as much this year. the show is just so beloved by all here, we couldn't imagine its organizers having a hard time raising money for it. we hadn't heard of the fund doing poorly... so we're not sure what happened.

anyway... paul and i are heading to lansdale this weekend for some r&r. i'm looking forward to getting out of this routine, even for a couple of days. we're also getting our new (well... inherited) couch next week. i'm excited. a couch!

well... gotta go finish the contracts video.

found margaret cho's blog

so she keeps a blog. i find her hilarious. paul and i saw her latest show when she stopped over at cornell. we couldn't get over how thin she looked. couldn't agree if that was the result of her losing weight... or the fact that the camera must have packed on at least 20 pounds on her on every tv special.

anyway... i try to find diversions from studying. this blog has added a welcome stop to my online surfing routine. usually, i read some cnn... read my friends' blogs... read the weather report... check my bank balance... think about posting... check my email a couple... well, fifteen times... and then i struggle to find another site to keep me occupied for another precious second longer. i'm really glad to have found this site. it's entertaining. it's informative. it's a nice way to get an uber-liberal view on things without having to actually talk to anyone.

i heard that alton brown (via good eats on food tv) also has a site. i think i'm going to check that out next...

haha... random ad generator...

okay... so after my last posting (note title), i now have an ad for "give god the glory" adorning the top banner. i find that amusing... since my last entry had nothing to do with giving god much of anything.

i've also seen ads for various law schools, dvd bar review courses for ohio, and porky's bbq ribs.

is the fact that i'm finding this infinitely amusing really sad???

...

i'm also wrestling with whether or not i should go back to my livejournal. considering that a total 3 readers regularly frequent my site, it's really a non-issue.
i'll have to think about it. what i need is a big announcement in my life to give me an excuse to circulate a huge letter to everyone i know... and i'll just add at the bottom, as a tiny little sidenote, "by the way... read my blog!"

this is how professional writers must feel... like a cheap whore on a street corner, strutting around with all her stuff hanging out. haha.

hey... julia roberts scored big playing a hooker. maybe a little whorish desperation isn't such a horrible thing.

...

by the way, i hate all of you living in big cities. i'm DYING for some pho... and good korean food.
and what i would give for some decent seafood.

ode to the porcelain god...

i'm feeling sooooooo ill.
missed barbri two days in a row. still contemplating whether i should watch the tapes at home, or go straight to the pmbr cd's instead...
but that's just housekeeping.

don't know what brought on the sudden illness. i was fine all weekend and then sunday night, i started feeling sooooo gross. since then, i haven't felt okay. eek.

can't wait for the weekend to arrive. i'm hoping the weekend holiday will kick my butt in gear... hopefully, cramming for the entire month of july will solve this ignorance bug.

as for other news...

paul and i bought our first lottery ticket. well... it was my first lottery ticket ever (i'm not sure about him). we each bought one dollar and promised we wouldn't leave each other even if we won the jackpot.

haha... if we won the jackpot.

anyway... we're not accustomed to throwing away money on lotto tickets... but the jackpot was like... $200million... and we were already in a good mood... so instead of getting dessert, we got lotto tickets. oh well. it's not like we're throwing money into a private casino. lotto sales help children, don't they? (or rather, they should be).
okay... i'm gonna go chug some more pepto and see if there's anything i can eat in the kitchen.

in search of my own zen...

i'd just written this really long rambling complaint about the course of my life right now. but after staring at the screen for a while, i didn't like what i'd written.
it was such an ugly portrayal. i looked so worn down... so tired... so defeated.

i don't really want to be like that anymore.

...

i guess i'm just in search for some peace and order. everything's been so chaotic lately. all the responsibilities that were suspended for so long have suddenly fallen in my lap, and it's just difficult to weed through and figure out what's important and pressing.

...

what i do know is that if i don't find some order soon, i'm going to fail the bar.
every time i say that, people just respond with, "oh... you're just nervous. it'll be fine" and totally dismiss me. but hello? i understand that every law student is paranoid about the bar... but it's not about the bar anymore. my life's sabotaging me. it's not like i'm doubting my abilities. i'm not doubting my intelligence. i'm just speaking from my recent experiences. i'm so confused and tired all the time, i can't focus long enough to retain anything. THAT'S the problem. besides... what do people know anyway. "oh, you'll be fine." how do you know?

okay... i'm rambling again. i have to stop.

different plan of attack...

you'd think at that after 3 years of pre-K, kindergarten; 6 years of grade school; 3 years of jr high; 3 years of high school; 4 years of college; 3 years of law school; and weeks of bar prep would have taught me how to study by now. apparently, all that schooling has taught me NOTHING about information retention.

i need a new plan...
a new way of retaining information.
whatever i've been doing is NOT working.

i seem to be doing well on the multiple choice...and then i get to the essays and i'm hit with the dumbfuck stick. yes... i said DUMBFUCK.
(earmuffs! if you're sensitive to curses)

holy crap... what's wrong with me?
i know that panic is SUPPOSED to hit right about now (and they assure me it'll only get worse around the 4th of july), but someone could die of a coronary like this. yeah yeah... i've heard the "this is the worst thing you'll EVER go through in life... including childbirth" blah blah blah... but really?
i mean, i see how this bar experience has completely monopolized my blog topics and i ask myself... has my life really dwindled down to this? and this ONLY?????

of course not...
i mean, i know in my head that my life does NOT = the NY bar exam... right?

i just wrote a friend and told her that i'm now going OFF my caffeine strike. i'd tried to avoid caffeine for awhile, but i think it's a BAD time to quit caffeine now. jesus, i feel like i'm trying to quit smoking... or heroin...

alright. back to corporations.
i've been making up phrases to help me remember. now i'm worried that i won't remember those reminder phrases... so i'm contemplating whether i need reminder phrases FOR the already created reminder phrases.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

i need ice cream.
and bubble tea.

cheating feels so great

i cheated.
i had ice cream this week.

normally, this isn't real news to anybody... but i'm allergic to milk... so having ice cream is like asking for hours of excruciating stomach pains. yup. it's that bad.

but those soft serve cones from mcdonalds (which i'm still not sure that it's ice cream at all) looked SO inviting... so i had one... three days in a row. well, still don't know whether it's ice cream or not, but it's DEFINITELY dairy.

i'm so bad.
and now my body's mad at me.

whatever... it was totally worth it.

other news:
i'm enjoying the property lecture. the prof is hilarious. any teacher with two kids who quotes j-kwan, incorporates outkast, and tells stories of tsunami warnings during her honeymoon is cool with me. i still can't get out of my head her "it's mah... it's mah... it's mah prerogative" reference. hehe. she cracks me up.

so i'm starting to freak out a little bit about this whole bar exam thing. apathy has now stepped aside for irrational bouts of anxiety to come forward. good good... i'm excited to see what kind of neurotic behavior is due next.

for all my friends and family considering law school... don't say that i didn't warn you (or that i didn't try to talk you out of it a dozen times).
just remember, when i get that phone call and you're busy whining and crying about how awful law school is (and it will be), i will be cackling gleefully on the other side of the line.

next,
paul and i are attending a wedding on sunday. bought a pretty new red dress for it with white flowers (courtesy of old navy. yay - under $30).
i'm so excited we get to be adults for a day (and hang out with other real adults). i'm looking forward to getting trashed and jumping around on the dance floor.
yay bar. yay dance floor. yay date at a wedding.

okay... gonna go.
i feel loopy from sleep deprivation.
woohoo. loopy.

another barbri update

nope... the agency prof wasn't normal either.
he totally sounded like that priest from the princess bride... except on speed.

yeah... think back...

"mawwiage..." uh huh.

and, he panted like a dog when he was talking about the duty of loyalty.
now i'll never forget.

agency... prof panting like a dog. oh yeah... duty of loyalty!

barbri nightmare...

i don't think anyone who's taking the ny barbri course even reads my blog. BUT i'm going to vent about it anyway.

so some background...
i signed up to take this bar exam prep-course with a company called barbri. they claim they prep something like 80% of all candidates for the bar cross-country. that seems high to me... but whatever.

i dished out my $2600 and i'm taking the course. learnin' some laws. memorizin' some rules. praying to god that i'm going to pass this mission from hell come july.

i never thought barbri would be a walk in the park. i knew it was going to be tough... but... hello? the last lecturer was HORRIBLE.
not just horrible... but so horrible he was... creepy.

i went to the first two days of the ny practice lecture, sat through six hours of him talking... and at the end of the second day, i'd had it. i couldn't do it. i couldn't go in for the third installment.

so what did i do?
i didn't go.
played hookie.
begged and begged paul not to make me go. he finally took pity on me and let me stay home.

dear god.
what an experience.

is it me or these bar review lecturers REALLY weird????
the pmbr lecturer (on cd) barked during the crim law lecture. BARKED!
the crimlaw lecturer from barbri hopped around like a bunny at the podium. the corporations lecturer spouted off all the characters in the andy griffith show. the conlaw lecturer was spewing bad puns all throughout the 2 days. why don't people just hand me a dull spoon and ask me to carve out my own heart? i think that might be a little more bearable.

(okay, okay... all of this is a little out of context. but come on!)

agency tomorrow.
the prof is from chicago.
we'll see... we'll see....