only if it was like making food...

cooking is one task where at the end, you know you'll be gratified in some way.
it can be a meal for youself or a treat for others. even a badly cooked meal may bring about satisfaction in that it can stop hunger dead in its tracks. (imagine dead hunger in its tracks)

school work, on the other hand, is very different from cooking.
at the end of an assignment, there isn't the same kind of gratifying experience.
in fact, there are just more worries. more anxiety. more feelings of "why did i just have to forego sleep? for this???"

so if i had gone to culinary school, would i always be happy at the conclusion of school work?
absolutely.

is this just my sleep deprivation talking?
probably so.

friendships

in the past couple of years, i've noticed that it is fairly easy to distinguish your friends from your "friends." when you're younger, you're content compairing nail polish colors and jumping around for nkotb (yeah - remember them?). now that i have a little more life under me, i desperately seek out substance. maybe it's selfishness... maybe it's a little vanity... maybe it's just a little bit of wisdom... but i'm sick of "friends" when i can have friends.

another thing about growing older is, your friends become so much more precious to you.
so, friends -- thank you.

and then it hits you... square in the face

so life threw another curve ball... a horrific one at that.

someone i knew in my childhoold is no longer with us in this life.
i wish it was due to some natural cause. that fate intervened. that it was his time.

but it wasn't.
his life was stripped away from him by someone else.

it makes me wonder what kind of a person is capable of such horror.
i wonder if that person has trouble sleeping at night.

paul says that if he's capable of doing something so terrible in the first place, he's probably not losing any sleep over it.

i hope that's not true.
i hope he's laying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, and wondering what hell will be like, since he'll invariably end up in it.
i hope his children know that their father is a monster.

i know i'm not supposed to be vindictive.
that forgiveness is the best way to heal.

i don't care.

as the immortal c&c music factory says...

woohoo!!! went dancing to 80's music at the ever-so-fabulous "the haunt" tonight.

so this is a little trip down memory lane...
"the haunt" used to be this whole in the wall in downtown ithaca. it's really the ONLY thing that even resembles a dance club in all of ithaca, and every saturday, they bring in this awful (well... sometimes mediocre on a good night) dj to spin some 80's tunes for some hours.
if you think about it, 80's tunes are terrible dance music. it's a little awkward to move to, it's a little cheesy to get into, and it's just kind of dorky to actually dance to it (see molly ringwold in the 'breakfast club' -- yeah... do you kick out your feet like that on the dance floor? if you do, you may want to reconsider about the whole dancing thing).

anyhow...
maybe it's the lack of choices, but ever since i came to cornell as an undergrad, i've LOVED 80's night at "the haunt." my friends and i used to get dressed up and go down to the club to be accosted by middle aged men with nothing better to do than ask girls on the dancefloor if they're lesbians (and if they'd like to come back with him to "have some fun"). ahh... good fun.

but today, i got to experience "the new-and-improved haunt" on the waterfront. it actually looks like a real bar/club now -- not the nasty hole in the wall it used to be. it even attracts "normal" clientele. imagine that.

there's something a little disappointing about this new remodeling though.
i miss the deviants that ruled the dance stage.
"the haunt" was the only place i felt okay dancing with a cross-dressing goth with a touch of psychosis.

so while i was grooving to madonna and sir-mix-a-lot, i have to admit i've had a twinge of sadness as well.

another point.

i dance like a stripper when certain songs are on.
it's auto-pilot. i can't control it.

i just hope my mother never sees me on the dance floor.

on driving and other things...

i always say a car is like a glorified bus pass. sure... there are people who really enjoy driving. they make it a hobby. it helps them relax.
for me, it's a necessary evil. it's more convenient than having to ride public transportation... but if i could find someone to drive me around, hell - i'd be all for it.

nonetheless, i have this great desire to own and drive a shiny new bmw. why? i don't know... maybe it's part of that "american dream", but for as long as i can remember, i've always wanted one.
i don't think it'll all of a sudden make me into a driving enthusiast.

actually, i don't think it'll change my views on driving at all...
but i know that as soon as i hit the big jackpot (after i start playing the lottery), that's the first purchase i'm going to make.

a shiny new bmw.

what is it about them anyway? do they lace the paint with some kind of a drug that every time it drives by you, you get a whiff of that stuff and become addicted?

who knows... they say german engineers are geniuses. maybe that's the part of the marketing grand plan.

i talk about driving today, because as soon as the computer finishes burning my cd, i'm off on a trip to ithaca. it's a 5-hour drive... relatively easy. but every single time i have to make it, i absolutely dread it.
my friends tell me it's the highway. 90-east is not the most scenic route. it's downright awful.
i'm only on it for an hour, and to get through that excruciating 60 minutes, i HAVE to find new music before i make the trip.

that brings me to another thing.

i'm SO angry i can't download new music anymore!
i guess i can risk getting sued and download... but i have no money for an attorney if i DO get in trouble, and i have NO faith in my legal abilities to defend myself.

sure... it's one in what... millions chance that i'd get caught?
but i have a pretty good track record at beating the odds when it's sure to work in my disadvantage.

besides, paul's paranoid when it comes to that stuff. i think i'm going to let his paranoia rub off on me this time.
bar registration's coming up. wouldn't want to be slapped with a big fat legal no-no right now.

a good deed...

i did a good deed today.
except i feel horribly about it.
why?
because the world's messed up - that's why.

today, as i walked to my car from the school, i saw a woman with a baby sitting out on the sidewalk... in the rain.
i saw her, just as she saw me... and when she pleaded with me to give her (and her infant) a ride to some shelter, i couldn't refuse.
how could i?
there was a howling baby.
and she was literally howling.

so while i knew that i was doing a good thing, i couldn't help but wonder when the woman was going to pull a gun or a knife and ask for all my money.
even as i felt good knowing that the mom and the child will no longer have to sit soaking wet out on the street, i couldn't shake the feeling that i was doing something horribly wrong.

well... not wrong. maybe just stupid.

yeah - i'm okay now.
yeah - i didn't get hurt.
yeah - i do feel good about my good deed.
but what if, right?

i can't shake the what if's.
i'm not sure if i should feel fulfilled, relieved or guilty.

are people really that dumb?

i was on the phone with dell tech support for HOURS this morning, trying to figure out what the hell happened to my computer (i'd sent it in to dell a week ago to try to fix a very badly broken laptop... but they haven't returned it back to me yet).

anyway... along with the very LOUD elevator muzak they play while you're on hold, they periodically chime in a "useful tip" that may help you solve your computer troubles. umm... are they trying to tell us that we're morons? people really don't know that if you don't put your cd in the right place in the cd rom drive, it won't play? people really don't know that if you didn't order a dvd drive, your computer won't play a dvd? people REALLY don't know how to turn off the freakin computer??????

i can't believe that since it takes a rocket scientist to even get through dell's automated system. surely, if you're intelligent enough to order a computer through dell and its spiderweb of automated voices (if you press 1 enough times, you'll eventually end up where you started... multiple times!), you can figure out that "burning" a cd is just a figurative statement.

anyway... dell's informed me that they're having "problems"... and my computer will come in 7 or 8 business days... which translates into:
we can't find your computer right now. but we'll find it soon and send it to you at a REALLY inconvenient time.

i'm SO annoyed.

do a little dance, make a little love...

i've discovered a wonderful site on the internet recently. well, not really recently... but it's recent that i've been getting into it.

but first, some background:
i'm a song and dance junky. not just the madonna in the shower, or some britney at a karaoke bar, but the full-out-patty-lupone-crying-for-argentina type of singing and dancing. i LOVE showtunes! it's kind of a sickness, i think. i spent a couple of years in college completely immersed in it for most of my time (when i wasn't rushing to get a paper done for class, etc.) and i think instead of getting sick of it, i've just fallen in love with it all that much more. it's a shame, since i haven't seen all that many productions on broadway (or touring broadway) -- but i've seen tons of community theater (which, i have to admit has its own charm).
anyhow, at any given time you'll find me in the car belting out something from "you're a good man charlie brown," "rent," or "chicago" (my current favorites right now).

hence, you can understand my excitement for modernbroadway.com.
it's a branch off of live365 (free web music!), and i can listen to all kinds of obscure modern broadway music.

it's like a drug. i feel like a different person when i'm listening/singing along to a showtune. it puts me in a better place than the chair i'm sitting in right now (in a cold cold FREEZING computer lab in a very drab law library -- i'm not singing right now. people would probably kill me).
i miss the performance aspect of it... a lot. i think that's why i love to go karaoke-ing so much.

which takes me to another bad habit of mine.

i go to this hole-in-the-wall bar every weekend (EVERY weekend) for their weekend karaoke.
i try not to miss it. EVER.
so, naturally, the bar setting's gotten very "cheers"-like. yeah... like norm sitting on a bar stool-esque. everyone who's a regular there all know each other on a first-name basis. i'm chummy with the bartenders/owners. i get first dibs on songs (even if i walk late and there's a huge pile of songs already at the request table).
we even get territorial about certain songs. once in a while, some underage college chica comes in and sings one of "our" songs and i swear you hear the huffs of indignation from YARDS away.

i'm trying to get myself to do something different. i feel like when you walk into a bar and everyone goes, 'HEY SARA" really loudly, it's time for me to take a time-out.
but like i said... in order to break a habit, you have to replace it with another.

the last couple of nights, i've been playing vide games and watching infomercials, but that didn't seem like a good alternative.

i have to admit, though... the quad-blade food processor is mighty tempting.
only 5 payments of $19.95...

since we're on the subject of habits...

with this new blog phenomenon, i've been exploring my bad habits. writing makes me a little more introspective than normal (which isn't really much, since i usually don't like what i find), which is making me REALLY aware of all these really annoying things i do on a regular basis.

what's the annoying habit of the day?
i chew on my nails. not just my nails, but the skin around my nails too. my hands are in TERRIBLE shape. i think i do it more often when i'm either bored, under pressure, or in deep concentration. so basically, i gnaw on my hands whenever i'm awake. no wonder i can't ever grow out my nails.

i'm not sure when the habit really started. as far as i know, i didn't chew on my nails when i was younger. i think this is a product of high school and college. and now with law school, it's just getting worse. paul always tells me to stop it -- i think he gets equally annoyed with me chewing on my nails.

today, i caught my professor look at me with utter disgust/fascination while i chewed on my nails. i couldn't help it! it was erisa -- wouldn't you chew on your nails too if you had to sit and listen about employment retirement benefits for 2 hours?

anyway... i keep telling myself that i'll be better.
that i won't chew on my nails.
that the huge drawer of nail polish should be enough motivation to stop chewing and start growing!

but alas, i think something major needs to happen in my life.
a major de-stressing event.

i might have to cut out television and movies out of my life too (i get completely absorbed and i start chewing more).

the other alternative is to chew them down SO much that it hurts too much to chew the next time (although i'm sure i've done that before - not on purpose - and i don't seemed to have learned my lesson).

on a side note (since i've been doing that a lot too) -- talked to the various lsat takers (yes, the lsat was over the weekend).
the only thing i can say is, i don't know of ANYONE who walks out of that test and say "wow... i feel really good about that test."

everyone should stop bitching, wait for their scores to come out, and THEN call me about how their lives are falling apart.

remember lazy jane? (ala shel silverstein?)

i feel like i'm constantly walking through some kind of a haze. it's been a long and TIRING weekend (and it's definitely showing up on my face. see: dark circles under my eyes. i'm definitely pulling a jackie o. see: extra large sunglasses covering my face). it was exceedingly difficult to drag my sorry ass out of bed this morning. why is staying in bed SO amazingly nice? lying down curled up in a blanket beats sitting up any day.

my brother came into town, so of course, i played good hostess all weekend -- which has both the goods and bads.
for example,
good = excuse to eat badly all weekend (mmm... chicken and waffles)
bad = having to apologize for the messy apartment every 15 minutes
good = excuse not to do any homework
bad = having to do the homework once he leaves
good = mom feeling guilty for me having to entertain the sibling all weekend
bad = mom calling every hour as a result of guilt

see how this works?

anyway... i'm in the school library after having procrastinated all weekend. how could i come in and do work when the brother's sitting at home with the playstation?
besides, i'm starting to learn how to drive those cars around in simpson's hit and run (great game... it's like grand theft auto for people who don't want to see hookers getting beat up).

anyway, the simpsons game has now planted a bad bad idea in my head. i almost went out and got a gamecube (the playstation isn't mine... it's just a loaner for the weekend from a friend). do you know how detrimental a game system in my apartment would be???? finally, my urgency to graduate from this hell hole prevented me from purchasing the system... but i can't guarantee that i can help myself once this note is written.
why is it so addictive anyway? you'd think after the blisters start forming on the thumb, the pain would drive me away...

oh yeah. on a side note. fall ball was yesterday. it was filled with the usual: the drunken girlfriends hanging off the boyfriend's neck... the extra-long bar line (that's what happens when you get law students near an open bar) ... some girl trying to molest my brother on the dance floor (which i tried to ignore, but eww!) ... the really slutty dresses... and of course, the electric slide. ahh... good fun.

feeding your emotions...

so dr phil says that you shouldn't feed your emotions (i know - it's popcorn psychology, but you can't deny that it's appealing).
i'm completely guilty of it -- eating to fill some kind of a void in my life.
yesterday, i was feeling so crappy i had 3 dinners.
when 3 am rolled around, i was majorly hurting (especially after a search for pepcid proved fruitless).

i guess the most frustrating aspect of this is that i recognize it's a negative behavior.
i understand what i'm doing, i understand that it's not the best thing for me physically or emotionally, but despite that wealth of knowledge, i do it anyway.
it's like a horrible habit you can't break.

a teacher told me that you can't "break" a habit. you can only replace one with another.
but to do that, you have to create a new habit that replaces the old habit and make sure you do it for 21 straight days.
21 days?
are you kidding?
i can't commit to anything for 21 days. i can't even commit for 21 hours... or minutes, even.
besides, what would i replace it with?
i only eat at weird hours of the night. what else can i do at 3 in the morning?

i did go out and buy windsor pilates on video tape. those girls on those video tapes make it seem so easy to do the moves. what they don't tell you is that these girls must have steel abs to support themselves. holy crap -- what's the deal with this "powerhouse"? so to get a dancer's figure, i have to reinforce my body with concrete just to finish the stupid moves first?

paul needs to drop this "i'm studying viruses" kick soon and develop a thin pill instead.