keeping busy

i've been really uneasy with this whole unemployment thing.
the days are crushing me into boredom. granted, i shouldn't be. i SHOULD have enough to keep me busy. my job search should be a full time deal right now... but it isn't. blame it on my laziness, blame it on the market. but seriously, there are only so many hours you can stare at a computer screen in a given day.

and the apartment...
how many times can you rearrange pictures on a shelf?
frankly, i'm a little sick of all the little details that go into home improvement.
decorating without any money is a sad process. i'm trying to keep the place warm and inviting, without breaking budgets.
i know paul sometimes doesn't understand. he doesn't really have a need for a place mat. or candles. or matching curtains. but i feel like it's my tenuous grasp at sanity. maybe if i keep the livingroom in one color scheme, my mind won't break down. it's my attempt at a tiny piece of order, when chaos seems to prevail everywhere else.

i've been noticing myself spiral down into an unfriendly place... and i've realized that a serious attitude adjustment is necessary.
with paul away for the weekend, i really felt the solitude. not in a good way... more like, i'm stuck in "the hole" kind of solitude.

i'm trying to combat it.
i try to fill my time and do things that make me happy.

i've taken up a lot of crafty activities. i started making bead bracelets. i'm starting to experiment with decoupage. i'm thinking about scrapbooking.

i cook a lot.

i make trips to the wine store to pick up our favorite german wine, and chat with the wine guy about the newest trends while the wine sits in their fancy chiller (italy loves wine in packs. reduces bottling fees - still good wine!).

i obsessively check the cornell calendar for free events.

i give friends advice on suit shopping. rave about the shu umera eye lash curler.

i read a lot of chick novels.

i look around for gift ideas for my VERY pregnant cousin, who is due any second now.

i surf the internet for contests (i've now entered for a free bridal gown - always plan ahead, a $50,000 gift spree at ann taylor, and tried to name the h&m dog. i didn't win the hermes bag or the manolos from bluefly). don't worry. i don't really expect to win. =) i haven't lost it entirely.

i thought i'd relish time off.
i mean, i've been in school for so long i thought i'd be bursting with joy when schooling was done.
instead, i'm clouded in disappointment.

i hope the next couple of weeks will be better.
i'm amping up my job search triple fold from now on.
i need to restrategize.
figure out what i'm willing to sacrifice. what i'm unwilling to give up.

luckily, paul has been incredibly supportive. he, along with my parents and his parents, have been trying to get me to see that i'm in no rush to find a job. i don't want to make a hasty career move when my future is on the line and they remind me of that.

also, paul's parents are coming up for a visit next weekend.
wine tours and fine dining are in order.
i think i'd enjoy that very much.
good food, good company, and hopefully good weather.

paul's mom and i always have such a good time together.
when paul went away to nyc this weekend, i called her up and chatted for an hour to combat the loneliness (after i chatted with my mom for an hour).

i should keep these happy things in mind with me at all times.

the time to get in touch with my favorite people.
the feel of my newly mod podge'd journal cover.
the smell of food in the oven.
the sound of wine being uncorked.
the view of the gorgeous falls during my nature hike.

i'm going to try to stay calm.
stay positive.
i'm going to try to enjoy this time i have to myself.
i'm going to try.