scary thoughts

a talk about marriage and potential children with a friend tonight really made me think about my position on motherhood. in my early twenties, i believed, hoped, and wished that i would one day become a mother of two. preferably one girl and one boy, two boys if that didn't work out. i knew that i would want a girl first, because i couldn't stand the thought of an older brother bullying my daughter's boyfriends. i also knew that i would wait until my thirties to have children, so that i'd be making decent money by the time i would need to start contributing into a college fund. i planned on having my parents help raise the kids, so they'd have family around without having me give up my career either. i figured it was a good plan, and that it'd stay in place until i reached that magical moment in my thirties when i'd be ready to put the plan in motion.
i didn't count on age affecting my thoughts on children. frankly, the older i get, the less i'm thrilled about the possibility of children. perhaps it's my line of work, the ugliness i've seen. maybe it's selfishness, my love for my freedom. my desire to own things and travel without guilt. these days, the thought of kids make me shudder. the funny thing is, i don't mind kids. in fact, i love kids. just other peole's kids that i can hand back at the end of the night. other people's kids for whom i am NOT financially responsible. other people's kids who behave themselves in public.
i think paul is worried that i will reach a point where i won't want kids at all. i want to reassure him that kids will always be in our future. but how can i do that when i'm not really sure myself? i mean, we're hesitant to own pets so we'd be able to pick up and go away for the weekend without notice. what does that mean for the possibility of children?
my mom sometimes complains that i'm too masculine in the way i go about life. am i lacking some weird female characteristic? is this a genetic thing?
i think i need to make a boatload of money. quickly. i think this really is the one problem that money CAN fix for me. if i can get to a point where i afford a house, a couple of cars, remain debt free, pay for college, ensure retirement, AND still be able to go spend on frivolous things (like a vacation or an occasional pair of jimmy choo's), then i'm sure i'd be less ambivalent about kids.
i think THIS is the true side effect of having gone to law school. i'm now a risk assessment machine. a jaded one at that. i need large margins of error and a high probability of success. what fine pair paul and i make - a meticulous scientist and a neurotic attorney.