i don't hide the fact that i've had past relationships in my life. it's also no secret that my ex-boyfriends and i have not remained friendly. i guess if i were a better person, i would have worked harder to maintain a cordial relationship amongst us. frankly, i'm not a "better" person. i don't doubt that i must have been a terrible girlfriend. i've always maintained that i'm extremely high-maintenance. that, with my type-a personality, my ambitions, and my uber-particular nature, i'm surprised my relationships had lasted as long as they did. well, whatever the cause (and there are many), my relationships in the past crashed and burned with spectacular fireworks. i think one of my ex's thoroughly believes i destroyed his self-esteem.
i don't want to make it sound like i walked away from these breakups unscathed. i struggled with the failure of each and every one of my relationships. i took a long time working through all the resulting emotional baggage. just like the days when my relationships were suffering from a long slow death, i cried. often. i mourned the death of all the hopes and dreams i had. i mourned the loss of all the possibilities. i lamented all my faults. and in the end, i blamed myself for putting myself in the situation altogether.
one of the reasons i knew my husband was "the one" was because he stayed by my side all throughout one of these nuclear fallouts. the crying, the late night phone calls, the self-loathing... through it all, he listened. he carried my drunk ass home, after i drowned my sorrows in liquor. and even after witnessing my damaged soul, my faulty logic, my flawed personality, and my incredibly heavy baggage, he still wanted me.
now that's love.
the one thing i have to say is that without my ex-boyfriends, my marriage wouldn't be as solid as it is. i've learned from all the mistakes i've made. i've seen what to avoid. i've seen what a good fit my husband is for me. i can see now all the qualities that should be appreciated for what they are.
paul -
he's an unwavering tower of strength and confidence. he's never jealous. he's patient. he's masculine, but possesses a tender side too. he doesn't count scores, or hold grudges. he's totally stable. he possesses the most surprising sense of humor that peeks out from his quietness. he's brilliant, except he has no idea that he is. he's never boastful. he's always appreciative. he calls me out on my bullshit, but isn't critical as he does it. he takes good care of me, and lets me take care of him. he's committed to his principles, but at the same time, he lets me have differing opinions. he wants to be friends with my friends, and cares that i like his friends too. he's practical, but lets loose when it's time. he reminds me to take my medicine, and secretly packs goodies in my lunch tote. he'll make dinner when i whine about cooking. he's a champion of compromise. he's a calming force in my life. he helps me into my coat, opens doors, and lets me carry the really light stuff after grocery shopping. he doesn't judge my parents, and listens when i make the mistake of judging his. he values family. but the best of all, he loves me even when i can't be all the things that he is.
i think i caught a good one.
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