i've been extremely angry at god for a while now (whoever he/she is). too many unpleasant things have happened in my life to really believe that there's someone benevolent up there helping me out. my mom was horrified to hear me say it, but seriously... the kind of god i want wouldn't treat people so horribly.
i mean... wives don't stay with husbands who constantly test them, making them jump through impossible hoops, suffer unimaginable miseries, and make them constantly question themselves...
so if this god is really great, why is he making me do all this?
if he's supposed to be so "good", shouldn't he cut the crap and make things better already?
lately though, i've been wondering if my extreme antagonism is the reason for my miseries lately.
maybe i need to find god again. i don't mean, i just need to start going to church again (since the whole institution of church itself has made me more disillusioned about god than anything else).
i guess what i mean is, i need to find spirituality again.
maybe not necessary "finding god"... but at least getting rid of all this anger at some being.
i just want some peace.
maybe even a touch of happiness.
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