customer assistance in aisle "my head", please

i noticed that i hardly ever write about the things that are actually racing through my mind.
obviously, my head isn't completely empty. i'd like to think that there's actually some quality thoughts floating around there somewhere... but lately, these thoughts have become extremely personal to me. i have no desire to share them. or know how to share them.

this is a new phenomenon for me. i'm usually very open with my thoughts and feelings. i don't keep things closed up. very straight-forward. no guesswork needed. i'm hardly what you call a "private" person. life's too short for me to sort out what to be public, what to be private... and then you start getting into the semi-private... family-only private... the boyfriend-only private... the friends-only public, etc.

i don't deal with any of that stuff.
.
.
.
.
at least that was the way things USED to be...

why am i so hesitant to share?


the newest explanation that i've come up with is that i'm actually overwhelmed by my thoughts.
i have no organizational mechanism for them.
how can i verbalize these thoughts when i can't even figure out where to put them in my head?
it's starting to spill over into my emotions, too.
out of my head... into my actions, my words.
spilling like a very full cup of tea.
out of the cup... onto the saucer...
probably off the saucer too.

boy-o-boy.

i'm constantly surprising myself, because i never know how i'm going to feel the next minute.
no... the next second.
it's incredibly frustrating. i hate surprises.
i hate surprises so much that i even despise unwrapping unknown gifts (birthdays, christmas, anniversaries).
does that mean i'm a control freak?

i don't think so... because being a control freak would mean i'm ACTUALLY attempting to control things in my life, right?
what the hell am i trying to control?
i've given that up years ago.

i'm very confused.
someone stop pouring!!!!!!!
i need a break from myself.