i've never considered myself an ambitious person. now i realize that such a thought is totally ludicrous. i AM ambitious. without it, how could i have accomplished all that i have so far? why would i have put myself through professional school, a massive student debt load, multiple moves across the country, the bar exam, twenty years of piano lessons, etc to become who i am? i guess one of the reasons is that my mother is incredibly over-ambitious. she's never satisfied. it had been a sore point between the two of us all throughout my teenage years. now that i'm a bit older, i'm glad to have someone who understands that ambition isn't necessary a bad thing.
the real reason behind my sudden change of thought is that i've been having some difficulty relating to my mother-in-law. she and i have totally different outlooks on life. her priorities are aligned differently; her values lie in more basic things in life. it's not that i believe her values are wrong. i can appreciate how someone can be completely content so as long as their basic "happy quotient" is met. for her, her health and her family's well-being is enough. but that's just not me.
i'm grateful that i have a husband who loves me. i'm also grateful that neither of us suffer from major health problems. but i wonder why i should be content with that alone? is it so wrong that i want to attain a certain level of economic success? of professional success? of cultural accomplishment?
i have to admit, i don't think "a husband who loves me" is going to fulfill me completely. my identity doesn't end with my marriage. nor will it end with a child. it MATTERS to me that BOTH my husband and i are well-situated professionaly. it matters to me that neither of us suffer from economic want. it also matters to me that i have something outside my marriage that i can claim just for myself, because i don't think a marriage alone or motherhood alone will keep me happy for a lifetime.
i don't think it's unreasonable. and i don't think it's unreasonable that from time to time, i worry about these kinds of things. i think i'm allowed to fret over "frivolous things" like money and my career. why should i settle? life's short. if life's granted me health and love already, is it so bad that i should aspire for even more?
1 comment:
I have to say that all mamas in law that I know of don't get along with their daughters in law. I think you have a wonderful group of people who love you just the way you are (myself included) and I think your mother in law is just adjusting to the fact that his son has a woman in his life. Just breathe, reboot, and don't feel the need to be defensive. You have every right to explore those things now, especially because you aren't involving children or hurting your husband/her son. You moved to DC for crying out loud! You are supporting his career! And you want to make sure that your life is not dependant upon him. I've worked too many family law cases where hubby or wife just upped and died one day leaving behind a spouse and children with no means to support themselves - emotionally, financially, mentally, or any other way necessary. The way I see it, you're just making sure that you can do all those things by yourself. Who can argue with that?
Fight the world, girl! We need more people like you! - skt
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