my brain's turning into mush

once upon a time, i used to take a few moments of my day and actually write semi-coherent thoughts on matters other than the banalities of my life. but more and more, this blog has become a personal sanctuary for me. after all, even my own husband can hear only so much of the sorrows behind my insomnia, dietary restrictions, and general boredom. so while i'm sometimes overcome with envy of other bloggers' moments of brilliance, i'm generally grateful for my blog. i know it's an exercise in self-indulgence. my mother-in-law is horrified that i'd be willing to share my personal life with an anonymous public. i don't see it that way. i see it as free psychotherapy.

so onto my latest discovery/concern/freak out.
kate (from jon and kate plus eight) had the same condition that i do, PCOS, which led her to turn to fertility treatments.
as for me, i don't know (yet) if i have or will ever have the same kinds of fertility problems that she had. this causes a pretty terrible dilemma for me. on one hand, i can't deal with even the thought of having children. the idea of having a baby right now turns my stomach. we're not mentally, financially, or physically ready to have a child in our lives. i used to figure i have all the time in the world to grow up and decide; i'm still in my twenties.
on the other hand, what if this condition seriously limits our window? what if we start too late and my infertility issues push us out of the the window altogether? even worse, what if my only option for a biological child is the same course that kate had to take?
the idea of fertility treatments scares the hell out of me. i'm generally opposed to the process as a personal option. if other couples want to assume the risks, more power to them. for me? no thanks.
i used to think that i took a fatalistic approach to babies: if it's meant to be, then it'll be. but i realize, that cavalier attitude resulted from the security that i would have a choice. now that i realize that the choice might not be there, i'm not so sure that i'll be comfortable with "whatever happens".

i know, i know. melodrama has overcome me.